I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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