She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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