I'm gonna have a badass scar
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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