I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
