GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
40s are totally the cure
I have feelings that need drinking.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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