Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
