Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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