Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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