I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
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i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
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I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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