i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
