I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
