i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
