My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
