I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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