all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
