you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
