somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
