God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
