If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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