My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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