I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
