There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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