yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
