Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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