when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"