I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.