I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.