I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
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My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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