the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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