The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
