I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
