You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
