Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
