He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
