I just saw a hot homeless man
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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