I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
