I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
