Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Pants are for mortals
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
