Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
