When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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