I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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