I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he puts the penis in happiness.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
