there's paper in my vomit.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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