just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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