The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
