If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
