Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
