just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
