M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
