i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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