just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
