You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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