How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Can Purell be used as lube?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
