Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
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The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
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Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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