You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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