Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
