I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
