remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
