I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i think i just lost a toe
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
