i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
