Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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